Hug me Tight

It is just another morning thought…one of those soul searching sort of questions that pop in your head once in a while…however these questions seem to have been popping in my head too often for comfort – it may be a good thing though, for then I give a few minutes of silent consideration to some issues that I subconsciously grapple with in my life and don’t even know about… some questions that make me the complex person that I am…some questions that makes me the cynic that I am, the critic that I can be…
I woke up this morning and thought about the same time last week and the time before that…then my mind traveled like a port-key to the time much before that too…weeks, months… time seem to collapse like a castle of cards in front of my very eyes and images, flashes, words, conversations, touch, smell, feel…everything of the past just seemed to touch by me again – like that humid wind that just whiffed past my face- it was like a movie and I was the protagonist and I wasn’t smiling…I was one of the two main characters and I wasn’t happy…and then some droplets, some sobs, some breathless sniffles seemed to zoom in front of my eyes…big huge brown eyes – soulful sad hurt eyes… and then in another flash of a second, it zoomed out and the face was mine…and I wasn’t happy. How important is happiness in one’s life? We live – we don’t die – I may be an existentialist and yet I don’t live in the worthless abandon of one – yes, it is an interesting theory that I keep telling people for I find it extremely fascinating and remotely believable – that how can we say that we are living if each day we travel closer to death…so aren’t we dying…what is life then, if we started dying since the day we were born – and then again, I see sad movies where unrealistically the dying protagonist talks about dying with a smile, about living each day – for tomorrow is a distant hope and today is the only gift we have – so live, smile, let joy wrap its arms around you and let a hug envelop you – and then I look at the movie that had just flashed in front of my eyes… and I only saw a depressive sight of me – and then another question began to nudge me every minute – do we live to love, that love which is a skewed up theory with no particular definition – comes in all shapes, sizes, ages and stages – that we share with a friend, a family, an ideology, a passion…a person?? And then if love is a phase that makes me the protagonist of this story then I’d rather not love – for if we live, we must live to smile, we must live to experience each day and squeeze that last dreg of happiness – to be hugged and to hug with all our might. This morning I couldn’t remember the last time I was truly happy – and when you reach that stage and its cause is some sort of inexplicable love, then you know its time…the day you cant recall your last unadulterated moment of joy, it is then time to let go of that futile unrequited love – it is then time to let some happiness seep in and some bitterness ooze out – it is then time to go back to loving, but only loving your life…it is then time for that tight hug – and I need a hug again.