Paranoid Android

I left the iron on for 2 hours today and then writhed in guilt. I do such things often and am always paranoid if I have left a tap open and will have to come back to a flooded house. Sometimes when I hear noises, I am almost always sure it is one member of the army of mice under my floor (discounting the fact ofcourse that I live on the 7th floor), and then I switch on the light to see a polythene bag doing rounds of the room aided by the fan overhead. I have a Velcro-detachable net at the window – once upon a time a fat rat had entered the room and I cannot think of a more horrifying thing to have happened to me ever. I also look around the pot a little bit before settling there for a long period of time – once a pigeon had entered the toilet and hid herself cleverly in one corner and had chosen to make her presence felt at a very wrong time. Since then that corner of the loo had been sealed with ply and I am at peace again. My window sills and cupboard tops also have egg shells delicately placed in corners – I am paranoid about lizards too, and for that one can’t blame me or my paranoia against creepy-crawly creatures because in the days of my glorious under-grad, a lizard had dropped on my shoulder when I was rushing through the English corridor for an exam and one superstitious lady told me “its lucky”…lucky my arse…I don’t remember how I fared in the exam but I definitely remember the sick feeling of the cold creature. I think animals make me nervous – sometimes humans do too – but animals win the cup there. Its so difficult to figure out their next move – a bird would charge at anything to get out of the room, a rat would hide anywhere so it doesn’t get killed, a cat would sneak off through any corner of the room – one doesn’t see humans do that very often – like I know my mom wont go and sit on the stove one fine day and that my brother wont crash his way out of our glassroom just because he wanted to fly. In that way though humans are more credible. But the minds of both are as twisted – animals more so coz god only knows what they are thinking.
I especially dislike cats – the look slimey and sneaky to me – one cannot trust a cat. And that why I try staying away from Ms.P’s backyard when I am in her house – she is never short of cats taking refuge in her humble home and I am never short of crinkling my nose in disapproval and part-terror. I don’t mind dogs though – only because they are supposed to be loyal to the limit of stupidity – sometimes I think I am like that with my friends – I’d partner in a murder someday with a select few of my women if I have to – I just pray that day doesn’t arrive.

What else am I paranoid about except leaving gadgets on, blowing up the geyser and subsequently the house, creating flood, having rats and birds and lizards in my vicinity and losing all my hair? Oh I am also paranoid about not having a pair of red chappals and a red bag always and always. I am also scared I will run out of ideas one day. I am also paranoid that what if my marriage doesn’t work. I am also freaked out about gaining a kilo after paying a bomb to the gym. I also get very cranky when I miss the trailers before a film starts and also when the yolk gets even slightly overcooked. I am very paranoid about my brother taking the cycle everyday to his tuition. I am also paranoid about getting pedicures once a month come what-the-fuck may. I think I am generally paranoid. But I also think this keeps me very occupied, sometimes gives me a sense of being, of doing and of getting done to. It makes me feel important and sometimes makes the smallest of events important and the drabbest of evenings exciting. Why would people want to be calm and laid back all the time? I would die of boredom. I like being called ‘the Paranoid Android’ by my best friend. Paranoia is the new entertainment. I think somehow I really like paranoia.