On Popular Demand

I haven’t been writing anything good. Actually I haven’t been writing at all of late. As many of you know, my affections have been diverted to another link that I keep hidden from the world. I wanted to experiment with a space where I wouldn’t have to think twice about what I write – and the experiment proved to be quite fruitful – so that’s why the schizophrenic salad hasn’t seen the face of a new post in ages.

But today my wardrobe-critiquing-mojito-sipping friend asked to post something “on popular demand” so I embarked on this mission to have at least a post (even if it’s a lame one) to make an appearance on my blog today.
I think I have stopped writing because mostly I have nothing to write about – nothing really important so to say – no heart aches, no heart breaks, no pain, no misery, no joy, no rains, no trains. I fear I am going through a writers block of the worst kind. Or worse still, I fear that my brain is soon depleting and I have no opinions to throw around anymore.

Yes, I feel out of touch with the world – sometimes I feel myself losing perspective – sometimes I feel mentally lethargic, so much so that even thinking is an effort. My world is cocooned to my work place, my parents giving me continuous flak about the marriage issue, my effort to sleep on time and some television thrown in here and there (ofcourse with the never ending sorrow about my skin and my endless desperate efforts to salvage it).

Life had more meaning when I had more friends. What a dangerous thing to say. I feel sometimes that my identity is a result of all identities around me – who I am is determined by my friends, my boyfriend, my colleagues, my designation at work, my family – in all cases, it is in respect to someone or the other. I suddenly feel terribly afraid…what if that’s it…what if that’s all that my identity will ever be? – determined by people around me – and what am I without those people – I suddenly don’t know.

I feel so drained. Didn’t I tell you? I feel tired to even think anymore. Because silly random questions like these pop up and then I want to just sleep. Take for example today – because I had a huge fight with my parents and my mother chose to call and keep yapping about it, I conveniently refused to wake up and face the day – I sent some lame ass excuse to office and woke up at 11 and sauntered my way into office at 12:30 – rushed around, diligently finished work and made an exit at 7 pm. After which I had sumptuous dinner and headed home in the “proper” time (lest my folks lose it again) and now I am sitting at my laptop typing this – while getting ready to sleep again.

Sleep is the best remedy. I could sleep over most problems. Except when I didn’t have a job – that time even sleep would evade me…eyes snapped open at 6 am sharp – oh those were some torturous days. I don’t even want to think about them right now. Thinking is so tiring. And the week has just began.

And I didn’t even pay enough justice to the fact that this was a post after a very very long time…I just rambled on thoughtlessly – and didn’t have one thread of connection or any structure whatsoever. But then again, this is my blog and writing nonsense is my own business.

I promise to try harder next time. I promise to live upto popular demand. Right now I must sleep my miseries away. Right now I must watch some television and drop semi dead in slumber.

Goodnight.